SIR Charles ‘Chatty’ Chatterton is the raffish, six-times-married, long-serving Member of Parliament who has just lately stepped down as Assistant Parliamentary Personal Secretary to the Prime Minister. In his position he was in a position to witness the extraordinary discussions which have taken place in the course of the previous yr of lockdown.
The Conservative Girl has gained an unique entry to extracts from his diary and his revealing feedback concerning the people shaping the Authorities’s response in the course of the disaster.
February 2020: There’s a hearsay circulating about some type of flu bug that may trigger nasty complications and suchlike. At an emergency Cobra assembly, Raab instructed us that the Chinese language ambassador has been spherical to the FO a number of occasions explaining that any new virus had nothing to do with them, however that we should shut our financial system and shut faculties indefinitely to cease the unfold. Everybody agreed that this was farcical scaremongering, and we’d keep on as we did throughout earlier unhealthy flu seasons. It looks as if the type of factor I as soon as picked up in Honkers which was quickly handled by a dose of penicillin and a few paracetamol.
April 2020: For the previous couple of months, all kinds of nerdy, pasty, weirdo varieties have been out and in of Quantity Ten. They’re from some operation known as Sage. None of them smiles, and there isn’t one I wouldn’t blackball at my membership. Plainly after his near-death expertise the PM is much more obsessive about prolonging the fatuous lockdown. There’s a suggestion that a few of these bounders are bankrolled by the Chinese language. That may’t be proper, absolutely?
Might 2020: Keir Starmer was let in by way of the again door for a secret assembly concerning the unhealthy flu. Though the virus appears to be on the way in which out, he desires to lock down even tougher and stated he would assist the Authorities in any method potential till the factor disappears utterly. Starmer didn’t impress; together with his ‘converse your weight’ voice and lifeless eyes, he has all of the charisma of a bag of cat litter.
June 2020: A tense assembly with Dwelling Workplace bods concerning the variety of illegals floating over the Channel wanting to remain in first rate motels in Kent. I may inform the environment was frosty when certainly one of their senior civil servants instructed Priti why he thought it unwise to go away some outdated UN Conference. She gave him that Medusa stare that I used to get from my fourth or fifth spouse when she smelt the fragrance of my fifth or sixth spouse on my blazer. After the assembly I may see the poor chap was in misery so I took him right into a committee room and gave him a snifter from my hip flask. After 5 minutes of sobbing the previous boy calmed down and defined that no Dwelling Secretary had ever requested him to implement Authorities coverage earlier than, and he thought all of it terribly unfair.
September 2020: My third spouse Suki, who’s now my secretary, tells me that she is inundated with letters and messages from my constituents about cancelled hospital/dental appointments. I’ve drafted a sympathetic be aware giving the official line that regardless of how sick they’re, they’re to keep away from the NHS, which have to be protected in any respect prices. I inform her to finish the reply with ‘Keep Secure’, or no matter is the mantra ‘du jour’.
November 2020: As there was nobody else accessible, I took a video name from the Élysée Palace. An aged girl instructed me that President Macron wished to talk with the PM concerning the Northern Eire Protocol. Though he was upstairs attempting to feed Wilfred, I gave the inventory reply to this inquiry, that ‘he was concerned in an vital assembly with Her Majesty and couldn’t be disturbed’. The girl, whom I took to be the President’s mom, spluttered one thing disagreeable in French and abruptly ended the decision.
November 2020: The PM appeared fairly elated when the information of the Biden victory got here by way of. He requested me to pester the US embassy for him to be the primary to obtain a name from the President elect. I had at all times thought that the Anglophile Trump was extra our kind, however what do I do know?
November 2020: BoJo obtained the decision he had been ready for from Biden. There was some preliminary confusion when the President tried to order a pepperoni pizza, however after intervention from his aides they’d a helpful dialogue about their most well-liked face masks.
December 2020: BoJo can’t comprise his delight on the arrival of the vaccines. I’m requested to compile a listing of MPs who shall be publicly vaccinated ‘pour encourager les autres’. I discover that the checklist already comprises the names Brady, Walker, Swayne and Harper. It’s prompt that I add the names of older members with the most important majorities quite than new consumption of zombies.